(774): im sorry i hit your dog last night,i didnt even see it
(508): I dont have a dog?
(774): WTF

(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

(765): just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn’t look away.


I laughed pretty loudly


(856): My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

its people like this that make the road unsafe

(913): i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
(816): i think im in thre room next to you

Sorry, I just had to put another one.

(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart…go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me…be home soon


(530): Funny, my mom didn’t get it when I said ‘that’s what she said’ after she said ‘it’s so thick, it’s impossible’ in reference to my milkshake

(201): whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc :smiley:

Way too many gold ones…

(773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who’s he training to be, batman?

(208): i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.


best yet:

(214): dude. I’m so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce’s mom
(214): I can’t wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce’s mom