…my life over the next few weeks
hahahaha you’re a woman CC??!!!???!!
that was good. i don’t know how anyone can deal with students
we no longer use archaic gender identifiers like that in the University system 
Gold CC. Had this exact student come and see me yesterday.
The best I had recently was when I was lecturing a Masters by coursework class on Advanced Computational Techniques in Engineering last semester. Every student in the class already had an Undergraduate Engineering degree and I had asked the class in an assignment to run a few computer algorithms and report the mean and standard deviation of the results. When I was explaining the spec the class looked at me with blank stares asking what mean and standard deviation meant. This is like an English student asking what a noun or verb is. I dropped the f-bomb told them to go look at any high school mathematics text book and figure it out themselves, and to contact their previous universities to give their degrees back.
I could fill a book with that shit, like:
The MBA student who wanted a deferred exam because he had Robbie Williams tickets for the night before and didn’t want to be too tired
The group (of international, postgrad students) who got up a petition to bring a legal action against me for “misleading and deceptive conduct” because the exam I set was different to the previous year’s paper
The sneering rick-astley-lookalike-hipster-wannabe who came to every one of my classes this semester and didn’t bring a pen to any of them (I marked his exam this morning - pretty much as expected)
The pair who couldn’t sit their exam because they had a tiff with their flatmate. Apparently the flatmate moved out in a huff and took all their knives and forks…
The (postgrad) husband and wife whose minor theses were on totally different topics but their bibliographies were identical (apparently I wasn’t clear enough about what I meant by “a bibliography”)
The ones who have memorised last year’s paper and write “I think the question is wrong, what I think you really mean to ask is…”
The one who lodged a formal complaint with the University because during his exam he spilled his drink on his calculator and I didn’t have a spare one handy to give him
The international student who coudn’t sit his exam because he had been awake all night studying and had “broken his eyes”. His problems were made worse because he had “been to the OPSM and they would not issue a medical certificate” (sub-continental accent required for full effect)
and
The ones who write a page-long essay in their exam script about how they have “run out of time”*
(*these often come complete with little hearts or smiley faces over the "i"s )
Haha! You must indeed be a fearsome presence in the classroom CC.
how would you mark this one?
Africa Sux
by Andy Pilkington
TA Elizabeth Sutton
Hi. What is African art? To A that Q, you’ll need to try and understand what Africa is really like.
What’s up with Africa l8ly? Africa started about 100 years ago. That’s a long time, right? Anyway, when Africa started all the art work that came from it was fkin sucky, so no one gave a st about it. After a couple thousand years, more people liked Africa and thought it might be kind of fkin’ cool, right? Anyway, Africa is located in the Ocean. Get real. The one movie they made in Africa sucked. It was about those nazi’s and all that st happened. Either way it doesn’t matter, it wasn’t as good as “Band of Brothers”. So in Africa they make big sculptures of fking chicks and stuff. Chicks in Africa love to show off their pair, so they always walk around with their fkin bbies hanging out. I once saw this picture of this guy from Africa, and he was hanging out with two chicks. Other chicks in Africa wear beads and stuff (but they’re still top-less and st.) Africa became a real country pretty much right after America. It’s now the worlds biggest producer of fudgin’ porno. They make these movies with these girls showing there b**bies. My teacher showed me that once I think.
Africa has tons of f**ked up traditions. Like when you’re born, they cut your balls off or something, I think. In Africa you can drink beer whenever you want. When it’s morning you can drink beer. You can drink beer at your sister’s birthday party NO MATTER HOW OLD SHE’S TURNING. My friend told me that when he went to Africa they just gave him beer and didn’t ask how old he was, so I’m pretty sure they don’t care how old you are (if I went there, I would probably bring my fake ID incase though.) Other than that Africa is pretty much exactly like America. They don’t have houses in Africa. Paul Simon used to go to Africa. When you’re 2 in Africa they FORCE you to go to school and if you don’t pass you can’t go to college. They speak french in Africa, I think. The biggest religion in Africa is Atheism.
A bobsledding team from Africa? Well, as the old cliche puts it, truth is stranger than fiction. Except that Cool Runnings tries to fictionalize the truth, forcing the story into the familiar “overachieving underdog” mold. A film that could have presented a fresh look at an unusual sport proves instead to be entirely mediocre and forgettable.
After having his chances of qualifying for Africa’s 1988 Olympic track team dashed because of a freak accident, Derice Bannock (Leon) goes in search of another sport. He chooses bobsledding, because ex-United States gold medal winner Irv Blitzer (John Candy) is living on the island. After recruiting his best friend, Sanka Coffie (Doug E. Doug), for the team, and Irv as their coach, Derice looks for the other two members of the foursome. His choices are restricted to the only others who have interest – Junior Bevil (Rawle D. Lewis), a gregarious young man with a self-esteem problem, and Yul Brenner (Malik Yoba), a malcontent who looks like boxing might be more his style.
I’m not going to discuss all the liberties that Cool Runnings has taken with Olympic history, but suffice it to say that little of reality remains. Hollywood has changed just about everything except the skeletal facts to make the movie more appealing to the average viewer, who would rather see triumph and sentiment rather than the less-palatable genuine account.
Sports formula pictures have spanned just about every sport, but, to the best of my knowledge, this is the first one about bobsledding. In the time-honored tradition of the genre, we are presented with the underdogs as heros, shown a few routine hiccups along their path to the “big event”, then given a resolution designed to get the audience clapping and cheering.
Often, it’s the way these movies are handled that makes them successful, since originality is obviously at a premium. Pacing, chemistry among the actors, credibility of dialogue, a catchy score, and likability of the characters gain added importance. Cool Runnings is marginally successful in all of these areas. There’s nothing here to tax the mind, but the goal of feather-light entertainment is certainly met.
John Candy, whose physique seems to expand with every new role, has a better grasp of Coach Irv Blitzer than he has had of any part in a few years. Candy is usually at his best when he chooses light drama with a comic edge over straight comedy. That describes Only the Lonely, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and just about every other memorable movie he’s been in. It also describes Cool Runnings, and, while this motion picture is far from a landmark, few could complain about Candy’s performance.
The other four principals are equally effective, each striving to get the most out of a hackneyed role. All are better-suited to humorous situations than self-contemplation, so it’s no surprise that the comedy scenes work better than the dramatic ones. The action sequences, as the bobsleds whiz along the ice, are ably executed.
It’s hard to knock a movie as inoffensive as Cool Runnings – a family film that should be approached with appropriate expectations. This lackluster production is well- suited for the television viewer with a short attention span who likes to make occasional trips to the kitchen for a bite to eat. Perhaps that’s the best way to watch Cool Runnings – sprawled out on the couch instead of sitting in a theater. After all, in a season when pictures like this flare up then fade quickly, it shouldn’t be a long wait for the video.
List of f**ked up laws in Africa:
- If you do it on the ground you get arrested.
- If you do it in a public restroom you get arrested.
- If you do it in a hammock then you got laid.
- If you do it under the ground you get arrested.
- If you do it in a hot air baloon you get arrested.
- If you steal s**t you get arrested.
- If you go to websites with naked girls, they don’t care that much.
- If you’re a boy and you pee sitting down, you get arrested.
- If you draw pictures of your friends with more muscles than they actually have holding each other’s wieners and get caught the teacher gets really pissed.
- If you do it in the water you might get arrested.
- If you do it in a pool you get arrested (unless it’s your pool.)
- If you try and look at guys dicks in the bathroom and you’re a guy they’ll call you gay (sometimes.)
Somewhere in Africa they have this big fking hammock that can fit like, 20 people in it or something. My friend told me once that they let this bird inside and it was flying around and st. I know, it sounds wierd but I guess it’s just their culture or something. I tried building this big f**king hammock in my back yard, but I didn’t have enough trees. Some animals in Africa are these; cats, dogs, birds, reptiles, lizards, spiders, and alligaters.
A long time ago Africa was a part of everything else. It was like, forever ago though. Some people think that there were once dinosaurs in Africa somewhere. Those dinosaurs included; teridactals, t-rex, raptors, and brontosaurus. They don’t have TV in africa so they can’t watch shows like; south park, the simpsons, becker, or titus.
In conclusion, I hope you know everything about Africa.
I love these stories. Keep em coming.
@Ant
How did those people even get past first year engineering?
My wife teaches young primary kids.
One of her cuter stories is the six year old kid who put all of his apple pieces into his empty lunchbox and then poured water all over them and stared at it. When she asked him what he was doing he said [in a matter of fact way] making apple juice?
@McKenny - WTF
^^
McKenny, I would award Andy a score of zero, because Andy has plagiarised paragraphs 4-11* from here . If Andy bitches about it he’ll be looking at a charge of academic misconduct. 
(*easily enough spotted - the voice changes markedly and the spelling is correct)
Fuck me. I’m an arts degree dropout librarian and I’ve got a pretty good idea what that means.
i figured he’d pinched it from elsewhere. the rest makes me chuckle though. i think i’d find it difficult to fail someone who made me laugh like that.
A lot (but not all) of Masters students are international students with degrees that aren’t worthy to wipe your arse on. Consider how many buildings fell down at the recent Comm. Games and you get an idea about the standard of their education. The problem is that they are propping the entire University sector up by paying massive fees to come and “buy” a certificate that is actually worth something. As a junior academic I get absolutely no say in who is able to enroll so just have to make do with what I’ve got. In any class I might estimate to have around 20% of students who actually give a shit and I aim to teach those.
It makes me sad when I walk through the library and see over 90% of computer monitors with facebook up on them, then I have faculty asking how we can incorporate social networking technologies in teaching. How about we teach these kids what a mean and standard deviation is first, then we can go and play farmville.
Antmandan, out of curiosity, as a fledgling first-year Science/Engineer student, where do you teach?
Or would that be a breach of trust/privacy or something 
Ahh yes. The lure of the full fee paying students.
I remember essays were not allowed to be graded on spelling or grammar when I was at uni. It would disadvantage the international students too much.
I can’t imagine going to France to study and expecting to pass courses in French using a $10 electronic translator and a ouiji board to write my essays.
As an arts student, and worst of all a philosophy major (Scum of the earth) i don’t come into contact with international students, because they all do courses which lead to jobs.
I mean, if i went to Korea, and there were a bunch of Australians there, i sure as hell would hang out with them and avoid speaking Korean as much as possible. I dunno how much i would take away from my year away if i did though…
Smithers, who is that young firebrand?
in a similar vein, at tradeschool I was helping a kid go through his work because he was on the verge of failing the theoretical side of his work.
Question: What is the area of this rectangle (2m x 4m)
Answer: 7.45 litres
Question: Aaron dude, were you stoned as shit when you wrote this?
Answer: haaaaaah, yeeeah I was maaaan.
A: 8.938389436418e-32 lightyears^2
duhh.
0.00020 square furlongs
I’m at a University in Queensland. 