only post jokes appropriate for me to tell at school. any other jokes will be deleted. sexist/racist/homophobic jokes will result in a one week ban - and bear in mind that i have a VERY broad definition of sexism/racism/homophobia.


i’ll start:

what did the 0 say to the 8?
nice belt

what did the 8 say to the other 8?
hey, i got a belt like that!

what did the 8 say to the 3?
what the hell happened to you?

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

Q: How many indie nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: I have that joke on vinyl.

Q: What’s a zombie’s favourite bicycle tubing?

A: Columbus Braaaaaainnn.

A man went to a zoo. There was only a dog there. It was a Shitzu.

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but it’ll take 10 episodes to do it.

So there’s like 2 engineer students right?
One of them’s sitting around waiting to get to his lecture, and he sees his mate rock up on this nice vintage stepthrough.
He says to him ‘hey mate, nice bike, where’d you get that?’
and the guy says 'well, I was walking to class the other day, and that girl Jenny rides up to me, jumps off the bike and throws off all her clothes and says ‘You can have anything you like’.
The first guy says ‘good choice, her clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway!’

Dylan: look at that bunch of cows.
Brendan: not a bunch, a herd.
Dylan: Heard what?
Brendan: Of cows
Dylan: Sure, I’ve heard of cows.
Brendan: No, I mean a cowherd.
Dylan: So what? I have no secrets from cows!

Oh i forgot this one until I suddenly just remembered it.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet cos it’s been eating loads of grass and spewing a bit.
The vet looks at the dog, and picks it up.
He holds on to the dog for about a minute, then says to the man “I better put him down”
And the mans like "is it cos he’s spewing up and shit?’
And the vet says “no, because he’s heavy!”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

That reminded me of…

Hear about the dyslexic man that sold his soul to Santa?


Q. Why couldn’t the cat drink it’s milk?

A. Because it’s face was stapled to the ground.

A baby seal walked into a club.

A horse walks into a bar
barman says “why the long face?”
Horse says “my mum just died”

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget with a calculator, so he worked it out with a pencil.

Substitute ‘maths teacher’ for ‘accountant’ and the kids will love it. You don’t teach maths do you brendan?

Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
Johnny replies, “Obviously not enough. I have to go back tomorrow !”

Two peanuts walked through a park at night. One was assaulted.

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fun guy