jokes.

General Pub
101

Mens Advice Column:

Dear Sir:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected
that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: phone rings but if I answer,
the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently.
When I ask their names, she always says “just some friends from work, you don’t know
them”.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall
asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down
I just did not want to know the truth. But last night she went out again and I
decided to finally check on her. around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my
bicycles so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from
a night out with “the girls”. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her
blouse, which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bicycles, that I noticed a hairline crack
where the top tube meets the seatube on my Colnago. Is this something I can fix myself
or should I take it back to the shop where I bought it?

102

Q: What do call someone who hangs out with a group of musicians, but doesn’t actually play an instrument?
A: The drummer.

103

that was rad

LOLin’

104

Q. why do birds fly south?

A. because its to far to walk

105

Hahaha, freakin’ love these. Just tried them on the wife… strange looks. I have tears in my eyes though.

106

What’s Mary short for?

She hasn’t got any legs.

107

A man walks into a library and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

108

I spent an hour at the wife’s grave this morning…

Bless her, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

109

Hey guys, all you mods are fucking faggots, yeah massive faggots.
If someone has been here for a while they are permitted to say/do whatever but when a new “kid” is on the block, BANHAMMER.
I’m pretty sure majority of you are homosexual too. I would love to personally punch you all in the throat.
Anyway, i hope Bulls win today, old mate Rose MVP babeh.
Also, how funny was that faggot cyclist dying the other day, LOLCRASHLOLDEAD.

110

There was a helicopter crashed. But fortunately the pilot survived leaving the other 2 passengers died. So the reporter asked, how did it happen? And the pilot said, “I was so cold, so I turned off the fan”.

111

How to put an elephant into a fridge?
-Open the door’s fridge, put the elephant, and close the door.

How to put a pig into a fridge?
-Open the door’s fridge, take the elephant out, put the pig in, and close the door.

When trazan called out for the animals of the jungle, which animal didn’t come?
-Pig, because we was in the fridge.

112

gravity, I’m laughing at your jokes, but I think for the wrong reason.

113

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the “S” out of “Safe” and the “F” out of “Way”…

114

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, one of the muffins says:
“Man it’s hot in here!!!”
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!

115

that joke’s better as a sausage and a bit of bacon in a frying pan.

also

one cow in a paddock says to the other “mooooooooooooo”
number two replies “Strewth, that’s what I was going to say”

116

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

  • It was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

  • It was glued to the first koala.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

  • Peer pressure.
117

Two cows standing in a field:
Cow 1: Heard about that mad cow disease going around?
Cow 2: Yep, but I’m not worried about it at all.
Cow 1: Why not?
Cow 2: Cause I’m a pigeon.

118

what???

119

oh good, i’m not the only one that didn’t get it!!

care to explain that one stu??

120

Is there an “f” in “way”?