I met a dolphin the other night. We ended up chatting for 5 hours! We just clicked.
I went to the pet shop to buy a spider. They said it’d be $50. $50! Fuck that! I’ll get one cheaper off the web.
I googled Gary Oldman the other day and got some pretty disturbing images… he’s really let himself go I thought.
Then I realised I left the “r” out.
These are from the Guardian
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“Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.” – Tim Vine
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“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” – Will Marsh
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“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know Y.” – Chris Turner
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“Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” – George Ryegold
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“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” – Nish Kumar
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
I stole all of mine (except for the last one) from London Fixed-gear and Single-speed
A man is nervously waiting for his test results from the doctor, the doctor comes in.
guy asks “so what I got?”
doc says “well you have bronchitis and chronic short term memory loss”
guy says “thank god, I thought I had bronchitis”
i lol’d so hard at this when i first read that list a few weeks ago
man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that every time he farts it sounds like Honda.
The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man. As a last resort he looks into the patient’s mouth and finally spots the problem. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to go to a dentist for your problem.”
So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist announces that the man has an abscess. “No problem, I’ll have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy,” says the dentist.
Sure enough, the man’s problem disappears and he no longer makes farts that sound like a Honda. The next week the man calls up the dentist and thanks him for all he’s done for him. But before he hangs up he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess.
The dentist replies, "It’s easy. Everyone knows that an abscess makes the fart go Honda.
A man goes to the doctor complaining about problems he’s having with his ears.
Doctor says “can you describe the symptoms?”
Man replies with “sure, Homer is the fat bald one, Marge has big blue hair…”
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
“I’m sorry sir,” the first cop told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The cop replied, “Tacks evasion.”
“Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains.”
“That’s the least of your worries. You’re HIV positive.”
thats as bad as:
What brown and looks through your window?
A poo on stilts.
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
“If it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t be in this jam!”
'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
That rules. I’m stealing it.
I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.
You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.
My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker. I mean, she’s not my girlfriend yet, but whatever.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None anymore, they have machines that do that for them now.
I was walking through a graveyard the other day on a lovely sunny morning, and I saw a man crouching beside one of the headstones.
“Morning”, I said.
“No” he said, “Just having a poo”.
A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me … talking to the beer.”
three old men on a park bench
“windy today”
“nah, it’s thursd’y”
“so am i, let’s go have a beer”
why did the mexican throw his wife off a cliff?
UKULELE & MELODICA - TEQUILA (THE CHAMPS) - YouTube