What’s pink and looks like a man?
I had a date with a lovely woman who works at the Adelaide Zoo. I think she might be a keeper.
Also, a book fell on my head the other day. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
You should give up your day job.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annula check up.
“I think there’s something wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an actuary?
A: You get an offer you can’t understand
a guy is trekking through the jungle and hears drums in the distance; the guys he’s with start to look concerned.
they trek some more and the drums continue.
the other guys start freaking out and say “this is bad, very bad”. the first guy says “why, what do these drums mean?”
they reply: “after drum solo, comes bass solo!”
Not sure if I’ve posted this one, but…
It’s the middle of the night and a couple are lying in bed. They hear a knock at the door, so the husband goes down and answers the door. He cant see anyone, but then he hears “oi mate, can you give me a push?”. Its late, he’s cold and tired so the husband shuts the door, goes back to bed. His wife asks who it was. He explains that it was some guy that wanted a push and how he ignored the request. The husband and wife start arguing about how he should help, etc. The husband has enough so he goes back to the front door, he opens it up and calls out… “Alright, I’m here to give you a push, where are you?”. He hears a voice calling out from the darkness…
“I’m over here on the swing”.
Just got off the phone with Sea World.
They said my call might be recorded for training porpoises.
Bad Kids Jokes | Funny & Bad Jokes All Written By Children | Tumblr Blog
All the rejects from a moderator on a kids joke website
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group
"You can’t come in here without a Thai. "
I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre the other day.
I found it hard to tell though, because he had his back to the fuchsias.
A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’
Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’
It was really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about.
When I was at school, my algebra teacher confiscated my water pistol, because she said it was a weapon of math disruption.
The swedish chemist joke (performed best in imitation swedish accent, and possibly intoxicated)
A customer walks into a chemist in Stockholm and says - I’d like to buy a deodorant.
Chemist replies - ball or aerosol ?
Customer replies - neither, for under my armpits !!
Quite like this one:
Ivan Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, ‘Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dogs!’
Why can’t you grow wheat in Z mod 6? Because it’s not a field.
Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
(SO GOOD!)
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and projected trajectories, he extinguishes the fire with the minimal required fluid.
The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” The bartender pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, “That’s all you’re giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?” The bartender says, “Come on guys. Know your limits.”
Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
And a mathrock joke for zoltan:
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
Good to see you found the same Reddit that I did Blakey!
I also liked:
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
“You’ve got to hand it to them”
“Who?”
“Ticket collectors”
“It’s a mess”
“What is?”
“A place where soldiers eat”
via Marginal Revolution via kottke